I've known of this little Christmastime occult monster tale for
years but never sought it out until now. The only point of interest it had for
me was the presence of TV's Grizzly Adams in the person of big, hairy Dan
Haggerty. I have some vague memories of the show and of him as a pleasant
enough actor with a certain skill set that I just couldn't imagine translating
well to a horror film. Turns out I was right.
In ELVES Haggerty plays an alcoholic ex-cop on his last
financial legs and on the verge of homelessness. He appeals to an old friend
and is eventually offered the job of department store Santa for the holidays
where one night, after hours, he makes the acquaintance of three of the store's
teenaged female employees. (Mind out of the gutter! This isn't porn.) The trio
of ladies have recently conducted an Anti-Christmas ritual in the woods nearby
by reading an incantation from Kristen's grandfather's book of ancient
gobbledygook. You know - like you do. It seems that this recitation of occult
gibberish has unleashed an elf hellbent on carrying out a generations long plan
to impregnate a teenage girl. (Maybe this IS porn, in a way.) It turns out that
Kirsten is the intended 'mother of elves' and her grandfather is tied up in
some odd cult that is trying to stop this from happening. Or trying to make it
happen faster, or something. I forget. The movie is kind of dull.
But what isn't dull is watching Haggerty shamble his way
through this half-assed low budget silliness. About thirty percent of his
performance seems to have been a series of first takes that no one thought
would get used and the rest seems like a man making a valiant effort to not
throw his hands up in disgust. He tries hard, but you can sense that he knew
this was crap. To be honest, his efforts are often undermined by sloppy
direction and camera placement so his earnestness is sometimes wasted. Plus, I
really don't know how any actor could have delivered some of ELVES' dialog
without cracking up occasionally. Also, I was impressed by Haggerty's ability
to smoke Camel cigarettes in nearly every scene and he is even pictured
clutching his fresh carton of cancer sticks in one shot. It's like a window
into a stinky past where all clothes smelled of stale smoke and restaurants
were so cigarette friendly that they sold the things right there in the place.
1989 is a world away!
As for the film, it sucks. The story isn't terrible but it
is terribly told. The actors are trying but the grandpa character should never
have been sporting such a cartoonish German accent although the Nazi reveal
adds spice to the bizarre Germanic occult weirdness. This might have been an
interesting film with more time, talent and money but what we have is at best a
completely skip-able jumble of half baked ideas and boring execution.
But I did laugh a LOT at Haggerty's discovery of a bomb
planted in his car! That whole scene must be seen to be disbelieved!
