Saturday, March 16, 2024

Umberto Lenzi's IRONMASTER (1983)


The flood of barbarian movies that stormed across movie screens in the early 1980s was at best a mixed blessing. A direct result of the big box office of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), the slew of rip-offs was inevitable as was the variable quality level from production to production. Barbarian movies don’t require much in the way of big budgets and if you’re fairly clever it is possible to create a moderately believable fantasy realm with sword wielding men and women saving oppressed people from evil warlords. If you want to include a wizard slinging around magic spells the price tag might go up a little (‘Find me a cheap FX man, now!’) but there were ways to make that pay off well if it made the film stand out from the crowd.

To be completely clear, none of these movies are classics of cinema. In fact, I would say that most of them would be considered bad movies by non-aficionados of strange cinema. But when you get the desire to see muscled non-actors swing swords and flatly toss out poorly scripted dialog about their beloved princesses and nefarious evil plans there are few options other than cueing up a barbarian movie from the 1980s! The crazy costumes are a big plus as well with the evil characters often wearing objects that a lively audience can spend the film’s entire running time trying to identify.

One of my favorites of the barbarian rip-off genre is Umberto Lenzi’s IRONMASTER. This film is a cut above the average of its type with a good story, some impressive South Dakota scenery and a good amount of well integrated stock footage of dangerous animals. The battle scenes are well done and usually believable in their harshness as the actors work hard to sell the physical nature of their characters. And only a group of mad Italians would have the audacity to conclude such a gory, violent movie with a call for non-violence and pacifism. Chef’s kiss!

 


 

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Trailers From Hell - CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA (1961)


Joe Dante talks a bit about one of Roger Corman's goofiest monster movies. I'm glad Dante points out it was a parody as many viewers manage to miss that aspect of this silly film. Plus, the steel-wool monster always makes me smile! 

Monday, March 11, 2024

Friday, March 08, 2024

Poster Art - INVADERS FROM MARS (1953)












I love this classic science fiction film and I'm thrilled with the recent Blu-Ray release. I'll be talking about it on The Bloody Pit podcast soon.


 

Wednesday, March 06, 2024

What I Watched in February 2024

I wanted to like ARGYLLE (2024). Indeed, I held out hope for it to work for more than two thirds of the running time. But there came a point when I had to accept the sad fact that it was simply not going to work. The movie has a promising opening where it seemed like it might be an interesting variation on the old idea of a clueless writer being fed information about real world events and incorporating it into her fiction. But the slow introduction of the hidden reality behind the titular master spy never finds a tone that allowed me to take the action scenes seriously. An army of bad guys get mown down without making things feel dangerous in any way while the mystery at the heart of the story never feels important. It doesn’t help that the script structures its reveals in a way that undermines information we have had before until I could no longer trust what we were being shown at any time. This pushed me into a detached viewing mode that further destroyed any chance of caring about the events onscreen. Which is a shame, as the cast is working hard to sell this mess! In fact, the only casting problem is Bryce Dallas Howard as the main character who gives the weakest performance. I don’t think this is all her fault as her character is the one whose reality is the most fluid throughout the story so it must have been nearly impossible to find firm ground from which to act. We can never trust that what she believes at any moment is going to matter – at all. There are so many resets for her character that by the end I was still waiting for another ‘clever’ reveal that everything we know about her wasn’t the truth. And I think it actually happens right before the credits roll. Damn, they blew this one!

ARGYLLE (2024) is a colorful piece of action fluff that promised dark, violent thrills along the lines of director Matthew Vaughn’s earlier KINGSMEN films but it lacks the narrative strengths of those (often silly) movies and becomes the equivalent of watching someone else play a video game. While the rules of the game keep changing. Its flashy enough but unfortunately also completely uninvolving. I was glad when it finally ended. 

The List

CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984) – 7 (rewatch on Blu – better than I remembered)

TOO SCARED TO SCREAM (1984) – 6 (Mannix vs mad killer)

ARGYLL (2024) – 5 (it just doesn’t work)

SUITABLE FLESH (2023) – 8 (unexpected and well-made Lovecraft adaptation)

23 PACES TO BAKER STREET (1956) – 7 (excellent thriller)

SUPERARGO VS DIABOLICUS (1966) – 5 (rewatch)

BOSTON BLACKIE GOES HOLLYWOOD (1942) – 6

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1968) – 7

COLD LIGHT OF DAY (1989) – 5 (low budget British serial killer tale)

WEREWOLF VS THE VAMPIRE WOMAN (1971) – 8 (rewatch on Blu-Ray!)

THE DEVIL’S LOVER (1972) – 6 (Rosalba Neri lights up the screen)

STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986) – 8 (rewatch)

THE DESERT HAWK (1950) – 6 (fun Arabian adventure)

FOOTSTEPS IN THE FOG (1955) – 8 (rewatch)

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) – 8 (rewatch on Blu)

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009) – 7 (rewatch on Blu)

BEWARE THE BLOB! (1972) – 3 (what a mess)

MADAM WEB (2024) – 5 (if the lead actress had given a shit it could have been better)

THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL AND HER MONSTER (2023) – 7 (interesting Frankenstein variant) 

HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM (1959) – 7 (rewatch on Blu)

PARASITE (1982) – 5 (Charles Band post-apocalyptic creature feature isn’t awful)

INVADERS FROM MARS (1953) – 7 (rewatch on Blu)


Monday, March 04, 2024

The Bloody Pit #191 - STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986)


Mark Maddox returns to the show as we continue our journey through the first six Star Trek films. STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986) is one of the most popular of the series and stood for decades as the most profitable entry. The humor and clever plotting of the story still works nearly forty years later with the original cast shining with few exceptions. Of course, we pick at the minor complaints I have with the movie while Mark tells me I’m a killjoy who can only be happy with darkness and violence. That might be (slightly) true but I will leave that mirror reflection as something for others to examine alongside me as I make fun of Mark for sillier things. Much sillier things!
 
We discuss the film’s production including our thoughts on the Eddie Murphy connection and how it would have changed all future Trek films. I lament the deletion of the pregnancy detail and the possible stories that could have come from it. I question the odd visual choice for depicting the time travel sequence while Mark’s respect for me falls even further into a hole. Those hoping for the two us to argue will have a few moments of fun. The strangest of these comes from our discussion of cringy 80’s humor with Mark somehow unable to remember one of the most common derogatory terms of the period. That man’s mind is going!
 
If you have thoughts on Star Trek IV or the series in general thebloodypit@gmail.com is the place to send them. We’ll be back soon to tackle V – oh, my! Thanks for listening. 


Friday, March 01, 2024